Right now I am 2F4F – too fat for fashion. Which is a great pity, considering I am the most sartorially-obsessed person I know. I love fashion. LOVE.
I wasn’t always fat. I did gymnastics and swam competitively in junior high. Junior high was a long time ago (so was college!), and sadly I’ve been fat since 11th grade – around the time I stopped playing sports regularly. I’m sick of being fat, to tell you the truth. If anyone saw my laughable “wardrobe”, I’m sure Anna Wintour would find some way to cancel my Vogue subscription for life, post-haste.
It’s insanely difficult being fat. I’m not talking “Oh, I gained 5lbs – I’m such a heifer!” fat. I’m talking about really fat. Too fat for fashion. Too fat for regular stores. Almost too fat for some plus size stores. I’m convinced that most plus-size retailers think their customers don’t want to look nice or dress fashionably. No, I don’t want to wear a “fashion top” that’s made out of acrylic and is about as stylish as a hefty bag (and makes the same damn rustling noise when you move). I don’t want to wear leggings, either. Most fat people are keenly aware of their limitations and “thou shall not wear lycra” is Rule #1 on the “Rules For Dressing When You’re Fat” chart. There’s nothing you can say to me that will ever convince me that ponchos are fashionable. They’re like a cozier version of a muumuu – which, arguably, is the most fat-identified piece of clothing, ever.
As of today, I’m 5″2′ and 236lbs. So I’m not kidding when I say things are fucking dire. I’m sick of always having to settle for the same wardrobe of a XL t-shirt and mom jeans because that’s the only thing that fits and doesn’t make me feel overly self-conscious or uncomfortable. I’m tired of being fat, of literally hating myself, of always wanting to hide from the cruel outside world. I’m an introvert to begin with – an extra 100+ pounds on top doesn’t exactly make me want to be a social butterfly. I’m nearly always tired and depressed. The smallest amount of exetertion leaves me red-faced and embarrassed. I feel like I need to constantly apologize for how I am right now. It’s exhausting. Most importantly, it’s not something I want to be anymore. I’m done being 2F4F.