Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, I went on a business trip to Madison, WI. For the first time in nearly 3 years, I saw myself in a full-length mirror. It wasn’t pretty and I wasn’t pleased. In fact, I had such an epic meltdown/panic attack that I cried myself to sleep. The dark mood that followed lasted at least three days after. I knew it wasn’t going to be positive – after all, I am 100+ lbs overweight – but I wasn’t quite prepared for just how brutal it would be.
Having had some time to consider it, I now see that it was an excellent – if painful – learning experience. As a currently overweight woman, I am hyper vigilant at avoiding mirrors. I only look at myself to dry my hair or put on make-up (which isn’t as often as I’d like – I struggle with the “there’s no point” versus “I want to look and feel better”, which is all contingent on my current mood). Needless to say purchasing clothing is a mostly online only excursion. I’m not going to subject myself to the horror of full length mirrors and fluorescent lights when my self-esteem is already parked in the basement.
This avoidance of mirrors is supposed to be a protective measure, designed to spare me the indignity of seeing just how fat I look at my current weight and thus avoiding meltdowns like the one I had in Madison. Unfortunately (and to my embarrassment) I now realize this avoidance of mirrors for years has done me more harm than good. Had I actually sought mirrors out – or at least had one in the house – I would have been able to keep a better check on my weight and prevented it getting this bad.
I can’t do anything about stopping the 100lb weight gain that’s already occurred. What I can do is work towards losing the weight. I’ll be installing a full length mirror in my house – a very useful tool that will help keep my weight in check, now and in the future.